I’ve fallen off the blogwagon and, sadly, my brief return will not be the inspired flood of words customary of a Blogger-gone-MIA.
I’m on an endless roller coaster at work right now and my ‘man’ and I are on-again-off-again. We’re currently ‘companions’ of sorts. The emotion and devotion are there but there’s still so much to sort out… and that may never sort itself out. I also signed up to POF again, rather reluctantly….
Will be back…. not sure when….
Kisses Always…
Dating Darling
I’ve tried to start this post a few times already and find myself struggling with what I need to say.
Last night, as I sat on the couch curled up next to N and watching the last two episodes of Dexter, I felt a mixed-wave of comfort, contentment, and sadness wash over me.
I was happy that we had decided to hang out again, after two weeks of apart. I was happy that if this was to be the last time we hung out like this, it was in this way. I wanted (if this is how the cards were meant to fall) this to be my last memory of us. And not me storming out of his place in a confused ball of anger, and ending things. I was content that I had found this level of comfort with someone after years of searching and having people who weren’t the right fit find me. And I was sad knowing that deep down inside, we were two people who appeared to be too different and no matter how much we cared about each other, this was likely all we’d ever be– we’d reached our peak, our expiration date, and now we’d have to say goodbye.
It was a tough choice on both sides to get together. On the one hand, the abrupt ending would probably have been the kindest way to sever ties for two very emotionally sensitive people. But we agreed that there was too much that had been left unsaid and because nothing Earth-shattering had transpired to prompt an angry ending, we didn’t want things to be over on such a sad and sour note. He wanted to cook for me and finish up the routine we’d started with Dexter. And we made plans to talk after wards.
It’s amazing how many emotions I travelled through last night. As I watched him speak about our situation from his point of view, I was amazed at how open and honest he was. And the fact that he really had a good handle on where I was coming from. Over 6 months, he’d become able to ‘understand’ how my mind operated. We’d connected on a level where we could talk about pretty much everything. I realized how rare a connection like this was, at least in my experience. I feared that me storming out on him and breaking up with him was a cry for help and a desperate plea for ‘re-evaluation’ of us, as opposed to my gut telling me he wasn’t the one. But all it had done was put more doubt in his mind. And yet, a part of me was angry and sad that he pursued a relationship with me with one foot out the door. That he had jeopardized something that could have been beautiful because he let fear and pride get in the way.
I came to realize and understand last night how crippled he was by his ‘circumstances’ or perhaps I should say “perception” of them. Because to me there’s a clear distinction worth noting. An intelligent, hard-working man that was trying to make something for himself after dealing with a combination of an unfair dose of life’s curve balls and some bad choices. And who began to lose confidence when I, his girlfriend, was a constant reminder of where he wanted to be financially in his life. Which makes it all harder to stomach our imminent end. A guy who realizes he isn’t emotionally ready is one thing, financially ready is another. It’s beyond unfair, because it forces you to imagine what “could” and “might” have been in a painful way. And also to know that you are part of the source of his sorrow. But the real pain for me comes in knowing that a part of me wants to be by his side while he works through his struggles and that same part of me knows he probably doesn’t want me to be, for his own sense of self and pride.
I wish more than anything I could put my finger on our connection. Maybe it’s something so deep-rooted that it can’t be put into words like a mutual wish to create, both in an artistic and a familial sense. That feeling that deep-down, despite all way we live our daily lives, we were connected on a rare level. I will this to be true– maybe because it’s a romantic notion but partially because the alternative is far too upsetting to think about: we were both lonely and in need of each other’s company and support and this is what kept us going this long. How will I ever know which one it was? I fear I won’t.
And this is why we found ourselves talking in circles yesterday. We can’t instantly change our circumstances. And trying to work through them together only to realize years down the line that it’s not working would be too much to bear for both of us, we agreed. But we also can’t change our feelings of passion– which are still there to the umpteenth degree. Kissing him last night had a flavour that was intoxicating to me and made me realize I could never get through life without that sort of passion, be it with N or someone else. What transpired after was a beautiful reminder of where we’d come to in our relationship. When we put our issues aside, we were incredible together.
The melancholy comes with knowing that though N would like more than anything to fight for us and a future together, he and I both know the type of person he is. He is not in the place he wants to be right now and every moment he spends with me will be a reminder of that. He admitted that when I contacted him on POF, he had already made his profile ‘private’ and had made up his mind to go it alone until he sorted out his life. His curiosity took over when I emailed him and he wanted to think it was fate that brought us together. He took it as a sign that maybe he wasn’t meant to go it alone. Funny enough, I had only initiated contact with a couple of guys online and I had been planning to close my account too– and considered it one last kick at the can when I went through my “Who Added You To Their Favourites List” to see if there were any potential guys who I had not entertained contacting. N was the only one. It’s almost poetic that my first email to him was in regards to Dexter meaning our series finale night, if this were a script, would be the perfect bookend to a 6 month tale.
But what was our reason for coming together in this way? What have we learned? As is with hindsight, perhaps one day this will be revealed to me.
In the meantime, I wait and wonder. I will move forward and though we both know it’s easier for us to shut that door together, perhaps we aren’t meant to definitively. To distance ourselves but keep the lines of communication open and see where the cards are meant to fall….
Kiss!
D
So, barring my ability to come up with fascinating posts of my escapades, I will try to pass along interesting information I find as it pertains to dating.
Case in point:
5 Bits Of Body Language Guys Don’t Notice | The Frisky.
Also thinking about branching out on the subject matter of this blog to incorporate posts about life as a young (and yes, single!) professional trying to find her way through the world.
Stay tuned!
Kiss!
D
I’m in totally physical intimacy withdrawal. It just hit me a few moments ago and it hit me HARD.
For the record, I’ve come to realize that I have a higher sex drive than the general population. And I was more than taken care of with N. So I’m kinda dying here. To the point that it’s distracting me in the most inconvenient of places, like, um, at WORK!
This is usually the point in a break up (a week/few weeks after) where I get worked up into a tizzy and start having irrational, no-strings thoughts. I’m considering broaching the subject with N. And yes, I’ve been down this road before with several exes and know the consequences and complications that will inevitably result…. And the idea still seems appealing. Whether it’s a subconscious way for me to hang onto him or just the easiest way to fulfill and urge, I’m not sure. To be fair, it’s probably a bit of both.
Good news is, my former “work husband” just started on the project that I’m on right now. He’s an older Italian gent with a daughter who I feel could be me when I was 13. He’s sort of that older father-figure type that listens to my problems and checks in to see if everything is ok. AND THAT’S WHERE IT ENDS! 
It’s the perfect arrangement.
Another side note: I have a potential date with a new POF guy. 40. Italian. Teaches special needs children. Plays guitar and writes his own music…. on paper– wonderful. In person he might be too. But now that I’ve set the wheels in motion, I will see if I follow through. Am I ready?
Kiss!
D
Two days on POF, and I realized that I missed the daily dose of amusement!!!
There are a couple contenders (and I use the term loosely, because I know this is just the first step in the filtering process and I’m also not certain that I’m ready to date)…
Today I got a shirtless pic from a guy — a snowboarder. Hot as all hell. And nothing at all in common with me from his profile!! Wish I could share the pic without feeling dirty or sneaky.
Then today I got this gem of an email:
Hi there how are you i would like to hear about you.. i always belive karma… my name is EHSAN..who is honest,loyal,strong ofcourse respected,,
God help me!
Kiss!
D
I texted to say that I miss him.
I reached out mainly because it’s true, I do miss him, but also because I am embarrassed I stormed out the way that I did and then ended a 6 month relationship via text.
I thought that the drama queen in me had finally calmed down…. I’ve had anger issues with men in the past. But I’ve been verrrry good for a verrrry long time.
I’m not saying what happened didn’t need to happen. I’m saying that my crappy way of expressing frustration created a big mess. We (him more than I) needed a shake-up. Something to FORCE us out of this comfort zone to assess what we are really doing.
It seems to have worked. He is hurt but wants to talk. Right now we’ve exchanged a few texts.
I want to give it some time. See how I feel in a week or more. Of course I care. I care a LOT. And I’m amazed at how much I miss him.
Nevertheless, I whipped up a new online profile on Plenty of Fish today. New pics, a basically new ‘blurb’. And the emails have started coming in… it’s funny: the prospect of a new adventure is appealing but the weeding-out process is NOT. I spent a LOT of time weeding this year. And though I’ve become good at knowing what I’m looking for, I haven’t gotten any better at calling guys’ online bluffs.
Guys have always been strange creatures to me. Growing up, I didn’t have ‘guy’ friends. We can thank a severely shy disposition + a super protective Dad for that. My first serious boyfriend (whom I also lost my virginity to) was an absolute mistake, no matter how I try to rationalize it. One day when I’m feeling particularly strong and masochistic, I will get into it. But the result of that relationship was a severely warped view of who I was and what I had to offer a man. Time after time, “friends” from university or part-time jobs would suddenly reveal their interest in me and ruin the friend bond forever….
So there are times when I have no idea what I want in a guy. I don’t want the guy checking himself out and preening in the gym weight room mirror (even though I do appreciate the commitment to fitness). I don’t want the coworker who has a child from a previous relationship. I don’t want the guys that frequent the club district…
I guess I’ll only find what I ‘do’ want by jumping back into the dating fray. But for now, I’ll browse profiles and think about what I want to do about N….
Kiss!
D
I mentioned to a co-worker today about my predicament: the fact that the pool of awesome men is shrinking. Her response?
This link:
Brought to you by “xkcd- A webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math and language by Randall Munroe”
