Southward Bound… once again

As I watch yet another relationship begin its slow descent into non-existence… I can’t help but wonder if there really truly is something wrong with me.

You know how life keeps pummeling you with the same tests until you get the message? Totally feel like I’m there right now.

Executive Scout and I have a connection. I’d like to think it truly does go beyond a physical and primal chemistry… but perhaps I’m forcing myself to believe there’s more because we’re both adults?

Is it possible for two people to have mutual admiration for each other… but not necessarily respect each other? Hmmm….definitely sounds like a topic for my psychologist…. if I remember to bring it up!

First and foremost, I realize there is a significant gap in the amount of things that have transpired between my first date with Executive Scout and today. I was trrrryyyying not to overanalyze and rehash on the Net and just DO. But here I am again, overanalyzing and rehashing. And for my readers (and myself) I will probably need to go back and fill in the blanks at some point…. there’s just a ridiculous amount to cover!!

Long story short: He pursued me hard. We went out 3 times in less than a week and a half. Then he leaves on a family vacation for a week and proceeds to text me extensively and profess his growing attraction to me while away. He comes back, we hook up a couple of times and yet something’s off. He explains that he’s really on the fast track for marriage and kids but wants to be sure the woman he’s with is the right one… yet he’s trigger shy because of his divorce (divorced 3 years back– the woman cheated on him!)! Do those things even go together? I tell him that my goals for family and children haven’t changed but I’m wondering if our personalities are meshing (this was after I started to see the brattier side of him when we spent the next two ‘get togethers’ holed up at his place on his terms). What comes next is what threw me for a loop. So he’s a recruiter and when he’s engaged by a client, will work literally around the clock to secure the right candidate. Because these are such major deals with major price tags, things can get very intense. But the work affords him the lifestyle he wants and when he’s not wheeling and dealing, he has a LOT of free time. So, he indirectly told me he was going to have a new client but didn’t really explain how it would change things. Then the texts became fewer and farther in between (we went literally from 30 txts a day to 1-2 with 4 hour gaps in replies). So I followed his lead and pulled back, too. Finally, I couldnt take it and asked what was up and he replied by saying he was sorry that I felt “neglected” but work was busy and that he was still really into me. I took his word for it. Still no plans. I pushed for a date sometime, leaving the ball in his court. He suggested tonight.

He never explained why he had cooled things down. I guess I could have asked point blank. But in a roundabout way, he tried to use his ‘work’ to justify…. yet I know for a fact he’s been doing plenty of social things, too…

Since I’m doubting my ability to responsibly and maturely handle dating lately, who knows if what I am about to say makes any sense…

I think that for some reason, this is more about him than me. I think he wants to ‘deserve’ me but for some reason, feels like he doesn’t. As in, we really and truly are equals in my mind (in most respects) but he doesn’t feel that way. Hence, it’s messing with his male ego and I’m not sure there’s anything I can do about that. He seems to think I am physically superior to him (looks wise). At first I thought he was being cheeky, but I think it goes deeper than that. And I don’t see that at all. I see someone that is appealing and attractive to me. I don’t see what he sees, I guess. How could I? So I think he’s letting that get in the way… maybe?

I’m confused. I think he is a seriously talented and accomplished man who has great manners and presence but who, after the reverie of the first few dates has dissipated, just doesn’t know how to date…. dare I say know how to be in a relationship?

I need to take a step back. But I can’t help but think that I’m part of the problem. In that I have trouble communicating my feelings clearly. If I could just DO and let my actions speak for themselves, then I’d probably not be suffering the way I am right now… but how does one learn to do that after 32 years on Earth doing it the ‘feeling’ way?

We had a great dinner tonight and yet something took a turn and suddenly went waaay south.

At this point, I don’t know how to proceed or try to work things out….

I’m a little tipsy, hurt, cried out, and tired. I hope this post makes sense in the morning…. and sense I will be doing some edits to it at that time!

Kiss!
D

Nervous Energy

So it’s been a bit of an up-and-down ride so far with Executive Scout. (I will fill you in when I feel motivated to write more than a paragraph, which I don’t right now).

We’re both fully attracted to each other and both suffering from similar hesitations because each of us is feeling like we could fall quickly and want to be sure we’re right for each other, to lessen the risk of heartache! I do fear that we have too many similar flaws….(falling and getting caught up too quickly and totally irrationally being one obvious commonality!) but what I can’t deny is the fact that every time we have plans, the butterflies begin.

Are they butterflies? Or gut nerves warning me to watch out? Would you believe that I’ve never really been able to differentiate? Perhaps because in my body, even excitement brings on a cause of the quease (because I’m making myself vulnerable?) Wow, would I ever like to re-set my gut and start fresh… the woes of a woman with a mind on hyperdrive all the time.

Seeing him tonight. Not sure what the plans are but I’m assuming just dinner. Haven’t seen him (or spoken) in a week. And I woke up this morning, nervous energy coursing through my body at DAWN. It’s the ultimate alarm clock it seems.

Kiss!

D

Wooooah, boy! Gimme back my brain!

Heeellllllppp!!!!!

Anyone have any tips on how to take back ownership of my brain and its thoughts????!?!

The boy is away for a week. I’m going loco. To be expected considering this gal is slightly underemployed and full of free time at the moment. He’s away but currently, his IMPECCABLY WORDED TEXTS are what’s killing me.

Shall I share? I may have to…. because I’m in dire need of help to refocus myself and not sit here daydreaming all day.

(wonder how many of these words — his– are fueled by the pool-side bar at the Dominican retreat he’s staying at!)

But in all seriousness… I’ve dated plenty, had long-term boyfriends… most tended to start out with cute flirting and a bit of shyness (on both sides) before developing into a deeper feeling of connection. And I’ve met a few “bad boys” over the years who have made me want to drop my panties on a purely sexual, primal level. But I cannot recall feeling this INTENSE probably since my first love back in university (10+ years ago). It’s completely irrational, amazing, but holy moly is it terrifying!

I almost skipped down the street today. And I’m 32 years old!

Kiss!
D

A teensy bit smitten

This is one of the few posts I’ve begun without a clear direction on the point or the destination.

I am one smitten gal. And if you’ve followed along with this blog, you know I’ve had my share of mishaps and misadventures on this dating journey.

It’s nice to know that sometimes it can just BE.

Executive Scout… has made me remember what it’s like to connect with someone– that even in that messed up, full of falsities world of online dating, gems can and do exist.

It’s early days yet but in two weeks we’ve been out three times — looooong dates, too.

He’s classy, smart, sensitive, caring, well-mannered, ambitious, curious, adventurous and affectionate. I could go on but I’d like to keep the readership-gagging to a minimum.

But it’s funny– I have realized (yet again) that I am indeed my own worst enemy. This is some deep-rooted stuff here.

Realization:

I’m GOOD at being SINGLE.

I’d gotten used to not having my heart on the line. I did/do as I please. The routine of going out on a bunch of dates that started to feel like job interviews/casual nights to get me out of the house, was just easy. Fulfilling, perhaps not. But safe. Good friends around me and no need to make myself vulnerable, both physically and emotionally.

I’m so unfamiliar with this feeling I’m feeling, that I’m completely overwhelmed. Rational thoughts are minimal. Not to mention HE is similar to me in the texting-stream-of-conscious and daydreaming manner. TROUBLE!

We are using every ounce of our beings not to “add” each other to Facebook. It’s nice that, without saying much, we seem to be on the same page. No rush to get into anything, no games, but also curious about the insane chemistry that’s between us.

He’s gone for a week. I’m gonna take this as a welcome (?) breather to step back, calm down, and take it easy.

I’m not even sure what I am writing at the moment as my brain swirls with bliss…

Kiss!
D

Patterns… what’s yours?

As I’m sitting here, smacked over the head with the reality that this ‘thing’ I have with Executive Scout is starting to feel reeeeeally similar to the way things unfolded with Lil’ Brother…. and I may be falling victim to the same vicious pattern in my behaviour that I can’t seem to put my finger on… AACKK!  I will leave you with an interesting read from a new website I discovered.

Topic of the Day: Sex.

http://www.thatsfit.ca/2011/04/06/having-sex-is-ruining-your-self-esteem/

Yep, it’s one of the many things on my mind as this relationship “progresses”… although I think we’re at that weird ‘after-the-3rd date’ hump– the time I’ve come to realize is the “do or die” time of any online dating relationship.

We shall see….

Do YOU have a relationship pattern that you’re battling or has complicated things in the past?

Kiss!
D

The Bizarre Things I Say….

Case in point: making out with a guy who wants to venture downstairs. I stop him. He wants to know why.

My reply?

“Logistical Problems”.

I was on my period!!!

Kiss!
D

About A Boy.

I’ve met a boy.

And given that I do have a track record of falling (too?) quickly, I want to remember this moment as it feels right now. To remind myself that this is the reason I keep at it– the quest for love that is.

It’s 3:50am and I’m writing because he’s on my mind.

It began as a date no different than any other. A guy who had contacted me via Lavalife. Let’s call him Executive Scout. I suppose his approach was a bit different from most of my prior experiences: a lengthy, articulate email that described himself and a bit about his dreams and an expression of desire to learn about me. We traded a small handful of lengthy emails before he stepped up and asked if we could meet- to see if there was actual live chemistry (explaining also that he’d been burned a few times). I agreed. We had the briefest of phone chats the day of our date and it was funny– but I was going into this date without too much information other than this guy was well=traveled and a good conversationalist. I was preparing myself for an entertaining night out, if nothing else. When he suggested grabbing a drink at a classy bar/restaurant frequented by young professionals (that I had just checked out and liked with a girlfriend of mine a few weeks back)… I was psyched. We were already on the same page in terms of agreement on good first date venues.

He texted me 15 minutes before our scheduled meeting time to apologize profusely that he was going to be “a few minutes late”. I wrote back that I hadn’t actually left yet and we could push the time by 15. He thanked me and apologized again. I decided to walk to the restaurant/bar with the extra time I had suddenly snagged. This would allow me to get some nervous energy out (I’m sure the half-glass of wine I had prior would help, too). I was about 5 mins away when he texted that he was at the bar and if he could order me a drink. I walked into the bar and spotted him immediately, with two glasses of wine in front of him. I gave him a hug hello and the bartender, curious about what was going on, came over to mention how thoughtful of a ‘friend’ I had.

The conversation just flowed. He was cute in an approachable way. Very smiley, polite, talkative…. I will say this again from time to time but it was just EASY. I think what threw me the most was that if either of us was nervous, it was him. I’m guessing by a few hints that he had come off a bad string of dates…. and he made more than a handful of comments remarking upon how amazing it was that a woman like me would be single. There wasn’t even the slightest hint of cheese in his comments– this was not a show. He was being entirely genuine. We decided to get a bite after chatting for an hour and moved to a nearby table. In the process of our move, he pushed his barstool back and actually knocked over the barstool next to it. I laughed it off, thanking him for being the one to do something silly to take the pressure off me! I was still so surprised that he was nervous!

Now, here’s where things get more interesting. He’s been married (6 months) to a girl he dated for 2 years. Divorced now for several years. He doesn’t seem the least bit bitter (unlike that divorced weirdo who psychoanalyzed me on the phone and decided not to meet with me a few weeks back) and has learned from it. He’s a headhunter who runs his own successful company. And loves nothing more than to help people realize their passion and achieve their dreams. Um– I am currently at the biggest impasse of my career, totally floundering and lacking confidence as I do some major soul searching and rethinking. I don’t want to be drawn to him because he can help me. But is it wrong if that’s part of the package? He’s also fairly well off. In a way that suggests his ‘partner’ would be well taken care of or at least a companion on plenty of nice nights out and adventures. Can I help but daydream about all the stuff I could get to do? Is it wrong? Is it influencing my opinion of him as a person? Or am I uncomfortable accepting that I DO want to lead a charmed life? Or uncomfortable with the idea of entering a world that I do not call my own?

I’m throwing out all of my dating rules (well, not ALL of them! some things are still sacred) with this one. We made plans for the next date while ON the first one (no ambiguity with this one). He’s quite the stream-of-conscious texter (very similar to me) and we were already texting the day after the date. Two days later and he calls me and launches what turns into a THREE HOUR conversation. We could have talked all night. A few times he mentioned that if I wanted to travel somewhere, his bags were packed. He even suggested going to see Adele in concert in a month’s time — I don’t know if it’s the pragmatist or the pessimist in me that laughed about planning that far ahead…

He’s a Euro-mutt like me. Two years younger than me. He left home to study law in London, England before temping at a recruitment agency and discovering his life path. Since then, he’s formed several companies and has lived in both London and Dubai. He’s only been home for under a year… but he’s looking to set down some roots, explore having a family and finding a way to still travel but with a companion. He’s playful and adventurous. Is it possible? That this guy reflects all of the things I’m looking for?

Sure, there’s still so much to discover and assess. But after the challenging years I’ve had in this dating jungle, can it really possibly be this simple? I keep thinking there’s a catch… that I’m making myself too available, too open…. I’m looking for ways to protect myself from getting hurt.

This boy could be the one.

And here’s hoping this doesn’t become one of my many prior eye-rolling, ‘when will I ever learn not to be so quick to imagine a future’ moments…. Because things are happening fast…

Kiss!
D

Learning to Fall again…

Falling.

Remember when it was easy?

You were young. New. Untainted. Open.

The delicious innocence of a first love. A summer of flirting, courting, cuddling, kissing… Sweltering days and humid nights mix and intermingle with intense feelings of passion… primal urges… a hunger to be consumed.

You felt like nothing could ever feel quite like this. You think it’s love. But you’ve never been there before so you can’t quite be sure. You can’t imagine feeling anything more intense….

Your appetite is gone. Laughter comes that much more easily. You imagine where he is, what he’s doing, in the moments you are apart, which are few. You daydream about touching him… recall the incredible prickly feeling of lips kissed hard and often…

Your fantasies collide with reality. You are invincible.

Oh, to be able to have a real second chance at a first true love.

But isn’t that what makes first love so incredible? It’s non-replicable. It exists in all of its delectable glory in a moment-gone-by.

I’m feeling bizarre butterflies right now. And I’m scared…. and remembering how easy it was to fall in way back when, before you knew what it was like to fall out and have your heart broken… A simpler time….

Kiss!
D