As I watch yet another relationship begin its slow descent into non-existence… I can’t help but wonder if there really truly is something wrong with me.
You know how life keeps pummeling you with the same tests until you get the message? Totally feel like I’m there right now.
Executive Scout and I have a connection. I’d like to think it truly does go beyond a physical and primal chemistry… but perhaps I’m forcing myself to believe there’s more because we’re both adults?
Is it possible for two people to have mutual admiration for each other… but not necessarily respect each other? Hmmm….definitely sounds like a topic for my psychologist…. if I remember to bring it up!
First and foremost, I realize there is a significant gap in the amount of things that have transpired between my first date with Executive Scout and today. I was trrrryyyying not to overanalyze and rehash on the Net and just DO. But here I am again, overanalyzing and rehashing. And for my readers (and myself) I will probably need to go back and fill in the blanks at some point…. there’s just a ridiculous amount to cover!!
Long story short: He pursued me hard. We went out 3 times in less than a week and a half. Then he leaves on a family vacation for a week and proceeds to text me extensively and profess his growing attraction to me while away. He comes back, we hook up a couple of times and yet something’s off. He explains that he’s really on the fast track for marriage and kids but wants to be sure the woman he’s with is the right one… yet he’s trigger shy because of his divorce (divorced 3 years back– the woman cheated on him!)! Do those things even go together? I tell him that my goals for family and children haven’t changed but I’m wondering if our personalities are meshing (this was after I started to see the brattier side of him when we spent the next two ‘get togethers’ holed up at his place on his terms). What comes next is what threw me for a loop. So he’s a recruiter and when he’s engaged by a client, will work literally around the clock to secure the right candidate. Because these are such major deals with major price tags, things can get very intense. But the work affords him the lifestyle he wants and when he’s not wheeling and dealing, he has a LOT of free time. So, he indirectly told me he was going to have a new client but didn’t really explain how it would change things. Then the texts became fewer and farther in between (we went literally from 30 txts a day to 1-2 with 4 hour gaps in replies). So I followed his lead and pulled back, too. Finally, I couldnt take it and asked what was up and he replied by saying he was sorry that I felt “neglected” but work was busy and that he was still really into me. I took his word for it. Still no plans. I pushed for a date sometime, leaving the ball in his court. He suggested tonight.
He never explained why he had cooled things down. I guess I could have asked point blank. But in a roundabout way, he tried to use his ‘work’ to justify…. yet I know for a fact he’s been doing plenty of social things, too…
Since I’m doubting my ability to responsibly and maturely handle dating lately, who knows if what I am about to say makes any sense…
I think that for some reason, this is more about him than me. I think he wants to ‘deserve’ me but for some reason, feels like he doesn’t. As in, we really and truly are equals in my mind (in most respects) but he doesn’t feel that way. Hence, it’s messing with his male ego and I’m not sure there’s anything I can do about that. He seems to think I am physically superior to him (looks wise). At first I thought he was being cheeky, but I think it goes deeper than that. And I don’t see that at all. I see someone that is appealing and attractive to me. I don’t see what he sees, I guess. How could I? So I think he’s letting that get in the way… maybe?
I’m confused. I think he is a seriously talented and accomplished man who has great manners and presence but who, after the reverie of the first few dates has dissipated, just doesn’t know how to date…. dare I say know how to be in a relationship?
I need to take a step back. But I can’t help but think that I’m part of the problem. In that I have trouble communicating my feelings clearly. If I could just DO and let my actions speak for themselves, then I’d probably not be suffering the way I am right now… but how does one learn to do that after 32 years on Earth doing it the ‘feeling’ way?
We had a great dinner tonight and yet something took a turn and suddenly went waaay south.
At this point, I don’t know how to proceed or try to work things out….
I’m a little tipsy, hurt, cried out, and tired. I hope this post makes sense in the morning…. and sense I will be doing some edits to it at that time!